Lately I’ve seen a number of posts on Facebook something like
this:
If you’re wondering why I unfriended
you, look at your posts.
If you advocated hate that might be
why.
If you called for death to all
that might be why.
If you support that might be why.
If you….
We’ve all seen them, and I get it. You jump on Facebook to interact with friends
and families and you’re confronted with these posts that remind you that not
only do some people think very differently than you, but some of them are
filled with and motivated by hate. Being
quite about it is like allowing yourself to be abused, but speaking up is a lot
like banging your head repeatedly on a brick wall.
Why put up with that kind of aggravation?
Why confront these people?
If you don’t, who will?
If you won’t engage with these people you will leave them only hearing
the voices that got them where they currently are. If you don’t present to them a different way,
they’ll never see it themselves.
If you do decide to engage with these people be smart about
it. If you aren’t smart about it, it
will likely devolve into a bunch of yelling.
That will be frustrating for you and possibly a good thing for
them. They may be looking for a pulpit.
Those who know me know that I’m willing to challenge ideas
people present online. Those who know
me really well probably have noted there are plenty of opportunities go by.
Here’s my advice on when and how to respond.
1)
Be smart about who you engage.
If the original post is not by someone on your friend list,
don’t chime in. Just because a friend of
a friend was invited to the conversation and responded doesn’t mean you’re
invited. Uninvited guests are rarely
welcome.
If it’s someone on your friend list then in theory they’re a
friend or acquaintance and you know enough to decide if engaging them is worth
the effort.
2)
Know what you hope to get out of the discussion.
I go into every discussion with the intent to make the
person logically defend what they have asserted. If they can put together a reasoned argument
in support of their view I can live with that without having to agree with
them. I’ve probably also learned
something.
If your goal is to make the person concede to your point of
view, that’s an argument, not a discussion.
In this case nothing in post will be of use to you.
3)
Be clear about your own values and feelings
before you start. Speed is not
important. Clarity is.
If you can’t explain your ideas and your objections to their
ideas clearly to yourself then you’ll never be able to make them
understand. Know what you think before
you start typing and certainly before hitting post.
Know the difference between fact, feeling, and opinion.
Facts should be supportable by documentation
Feelings are driven by values and emotions. Everyone’s feelings are equally valid, but no
one’s feelings are the reason why something should be done or not done.
Opinion should be supportable by logic. Rational, intelligent people can have
different opinions when presented with the same facts. That’s normal. It’s ok to have differing opinions, but you
better be able to support yours if you challenge others.
4)
Stay focused on ideas, values, and logic.
Do not get involved with name calling. Ignore it when it’s thrown at you and read
everything you type before you post to make certain you’ve avoided language
that they’ll take as a person attack.
Don’t challenge their feelings. They feel how they feel just like you feel
how you feel.
To challenge facts you need to have facts to cite. If you want to challenge the source of their
facts you better be able to defend the source of yours.
To challenge logic you better be familiar with critical
thinking and common fallacies in arguments.
There is of course a two edge sword here. The best way to develop these skills is to
have these kinds of discussions. You
might want to find a friendlier environment full of people who love to discuss
things to practice before taking on people in an open forum like FaceBook.
5)
Stay on topic and don’t allow them to change the
topic.
If you’re challenging someone’s assertion that red is a
shade of green don’t start discussing how red is an element of purple.
After carefully describing the color wheel and how colors
work and blend, you shouldn’t be surprised when they say “not all wheels are
round” instead of responding to your statements. A common reaction when confronted with the
possibility of being wrong is to attempt to change the field of battle. You are allowed at that moment to ignore the
statement and keep discussing red and green.
6)
Remember the audience.
Remember that the person you’re having the discussion with
is not the only person listening. Even
if you aren’t getting through to the original poster you may be educating other
people on the topic. If you can keep
calm and cool and on topic you’ll likely have a much bigger impact on the quiet
observers.
7)
Remember you might be wrong or mistaken.
Don’t forget to listen.
You may find they have a point.
You may find that they use words a little differently than you do , and
you’re not as different as you originally thought.
Be prepared to say, “Oh, I get what you’re saying. You’re right.” I can’t count how many times I’ve watched people
argue who actually agree with each other.
They just couldn’t agree on language.
8)
Walking away is always an option
At some point the discussion may start going around in
circles rehashing the same ideas over and over again. Hopefully you’ve made some effort to move it
forward, but there will be a point where you’ll decide there’s nothing more to
gain for either party. At that point it’s
perfectly OK to declare that the discussion is running in circles and if no one
has anything new to bring to the conversation that it’s time to end it. Don’t say their too stupid to hear you. Just simply move on.
It has been said that “All that is necessary for the triumph
of evil is that good men do nothing.”
Hopefully the above ideas will encourage you to confront bad
thinking and ideas when you see them and help you do it effectively.
